waiting

2003-12-03T01:04:00.000-05:00

So again I'm asking the question.....why is it that I'm still single? Ask most people what they look for in a partner, and the answers are nearly always very similar: funny, intelligent, attractive. Let's throw modesty aside for a moment, and just admit I've got the first two down. So we're left with attractive--admittedly, I'm not a model, and my body is far from ideal...but I'm not freakish either. All things considered, I'd say I'm fairly average.

But the truth is, that list needs to be inverted, and attractive should be bolded and underlined with an exclamation mark. It's a reasonable conclusion--the typical gay man is shallow. Normally I hate stereotypes, but in this case I think it's warranted. Gay men are as superficial as their straight counterparts, probably even more-so. In short, we suck. It's no wonder half the world hates us.

Moreover, the qualities I embody well aren't sought out by most gay men--they're merely a stock answer given in an attempt to appear normal (or maybe it is normal, and it's just men that suck altogether). Few of us actually want a relationship. Just look at the cornerstones of modern gay culture--bars, pride parades--and you'll see that sex is the driving force behind everything, and an average appearance just doesn't cut it. But I'm proabably luckier for it anyway.

So I'm going to consider giving up for a while, and focus on more important things, like school and personal growth. And I'll take the time to consider the reasons why, for the first time ever, I'm wishing I weren't gay.

2003-10-08T00:11:00.000-04:00

Tonight after my chemistry lab I decided to take the long way home and walk down UC hill to the gates and catch my bus in front of Christina's instead of at Nat Sci. And it got me thinking about how much I missed that walk, a walk I must have made at least a couple hundred times by now. Every Tuesday last year I'd have supper at Med-Syd with the Gibbons gang and then head to my chemistry lab or tutorial. After, I'd walk back home with Nicole and Michelle, usually laughing the whole way. I'd forgotten how nice the trees on UC hill smell, and how soothing it is to walk beneath their boughs with the moon overhead and a cool breeze in the evening air, how the squirrels criss-cross the sidewalk in front of you, how the Thames shimmers black and mysterious beneath you as you cross the bridge, how the residences line the street, the path in front of you. Amidst all the drama and depression of last year, I'd forgotten how much I love this place. I'd forgotten that this has become home.

I regret my absence in this journal over the last year. And I regret not recording the good times as well as the bad. There were countless nights when I went to Med-Syd for dinner, or to do homework, or just to hang out. I'm realizing now, as I walk campus and see familiar faces everywhere, just how many friends I made there. I should have wrote about the good times.

In other news, I've made, potentially, a new friend through faceparty. He seems very nice and interesting, and we plan to go rollerblading, but so far our schedules have been too busy and conflicting. Hopefully after thanksgiving we'll be able to get together.

2003-09-22T00:05:00.000-04:00

And so, it must be kryptonite.

I ran into Mike the other night. I was having dinner with Steph before going to see Underworld. And it's just so bizarre, because I was thinking about him, and how silly my infatuation was, how embarrassing it is to look back on it, that I thought I loved him without even really knowing him. I knew he was living in London, going to college--quite a surprise, but a welcome one--then out of nowhere he's standing right in front of me. And the effect was immediate, as it's always been with him: absolute sickness. Not apolling sickness, but pains-in-my-stomach, I-want-to-throw-up, need-sleep-now kind of sickness. It's as if something or someone, maybe even me, is trying to keep me away from him.

But it makes no sense! I have no attachment to him, no involvement in his life, and save for hearing occasional mentions form Steph or Cynthia about what he's up to, no contact at all. And moreover, no reason or desire for contact--though, it should be said, no desire not to have contact. Indifference, I think, is what I'm trying to say, but not in a cold sense in the word.

So why then does the sickness still come when I see him? I don't desire him more than any other attractive--devastatingly attractive would perhaps be more appropriate--guy I see, and even if I did, he's not available. Surely enough time has passed for the infatuation to wear thin. And yet his powers over me remain. It disturbs me.

What's worse is seeing him seems to yet again have set off a hellish rollercoaster ride of loneliness. I'm seeing couples everywhere holding hands and having fun. Even last night a very cute looking gay couple were walking down Western Rd with their arms around each other. My dreams--the fact that I'm actually remembering dreams being unusual in itself--are filled with common characters in unusual circumstances that seem to rub in my face the pathetic display that is my romantic past. I've gone so far as to fill out an internet personal in an attempt to counteract recent happenings; how sad is that?

The sickness I can't explain, but this time I might have a reason for all the stuff that comes after.

Come close, kittens, I have a secret. Despite the ethics, and responsibility, and general good nature, I'm not a big peson. Or at least not when it comes to this.

Truth be told, I'm mad, and worried. Because I could deal with my failure with Mike, because he wasn't warm, or going anywhere, or anything special. That's what people told me, and at times I thought so myself.

But here's the kicker: none of that can be said anymore. He's clearly warm, driven, and special--he's stolen my dreams and is living them better than me. And I'm happy for him, really, but I hate him too, because it feels like I've been left behind.

It's crazy, I know, insane really, that this person whom I've probably spent less than 24 hours with can affect me so greatly.

And I don't understand any of it.

2003-07-24T16:08:00.000-04:00

Yay for ego-boosters....

HOT or NOT
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33 votes
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2003-07-11T01:25:00.000-04:00

The last few days have been a very refreshing break. Yesterday began with a trip to Wal-Mart, but on the way the Kernohan's van (the Kernovan) passed John and myself and about 30 seconds later Sean called. We ended up going to his Godball game in Springfield, where I had the wonderful experience of Schadenfreude when Joel was kicked out for arguing with the umpire and cried briefly. Midway through Amanda showed up and all of us went to her house after the game.

There was hanging out and clone high and cranberry wine and it was way good times. I'm definitely regretting not spending more time with Amanda during high school. Around midnight Amanda left for Jeff's grandparent's house, and shortly after Mike came over.

We discussed Sam, and Mike is very clueless--I don't know why he defends her, especially when she treats him so poorly. But that's another post in itself...

John and Mike left, so it was just me and Sean. We watched Buffy, and talked about things--he's a very cool guy now that I know him better, and I must admit I'm developing something of a crush on him. I left about 4:30, got home, ate pizza, and crashed.

Today I woke up and fell back asleep several times but ultimately didn't get out of bed until around 4. This evening I was off to London to see Terminator 3 with Steph, Joe, and Amanda (Joe's Amanda). It was a glorious movie, littered with more carnage than one could ever ask for. And even though there were only a couple dozen words spoken in the entire movie, the effects were spectacular.

All in all, the last few days have been really fun, and a much needed break from the unwanted drama in my life.

2003-06-30T04:15:00.000-04:00

Taking stock of my friends

That's right, it's time for a review. Think I'm cold for doing it? Deal with it, baby!

Note: This is my journal, and I'm writing as such. If you're planning on being offended, please read no further.

Cynthia, you've been terrific: loyal, sincere, caring....what more could one ask for in a friend? I thank you for being on time, always there, and tons of fun. Never change, and never settle for less than what you want.

Lyndsay, we'll start with the bad...you need to stop letting guys walk all over you, and get rid of that scumbag Tim. You definitely need to re-evaluate your moral and ethical standards. You're a smart, dedicated student, and you're definitely going places. Thank you for making first year fun, and hang in there!

John, knock off the gossiping, and learn to smile. If you have a problem with someone, have the chutzpah to tell them straight out. Your sense of humour is wonderful, your view of life refreshing, and your intellect among the best. Focus more on the positive things in life, and you'll be fine.

Michael, you need to stick up for yourself every now and then, and learn to tell when a joke stops being funny and starts being hurtful. Although I know you mean no harm, some of the things you say cross the line. Thank you for your kindness, your integrity, your accepting nature, and willingness to have a good time. And yes Michael, I would go out with you if you were gay.

Sam, learn to be on time, and in some cases, show up. Pay more attention to your words and actions, especially with respect to your friends, because you are often very instulting. Your refusal to grow up is a shining beacon to us all. Thank you for your naivity, your laughs, your wit, and your friendship. You'll always be my favourite husband.

Baillie, write down my number so you don't forget it! And stop falling asleep everytime you invite me over. No one makes me laugh quite like you, and there's no one better to shop with. Thanks for being you, no matter what anyone thinks.

Nick, your fickleness, and absent-mindedness are more frustrating than you can imagine. Think before you act, and focus on the big picture. You give me hope that not all gay men are shallow automatons. Thank you for my first kiss, your caring nature, your courage, and for bringing me more happiness than anyone ever has.

Mel, you're more bitter and sarcastic than even me. Thank you for being my role model :)

Steph, remember that not all of us live in computer world, and come out to say hello once in a while. Take it easy with the judging every now and then. Thanks for lots of fun times, and many more to come.

Mila, try harder to keep contact between us, and recognize that the real world exists, whether you like it or not. Your incite, your art, and your friendship continue to touch me. Thank you for being there, criticizing when I need it, accepting me, and making me try new things.

Desi, make an attempt to call when you say you will, and try your hand at commitment in relationships. Thank you for being sweet, caring, courageous, and willing to go that extra mile. I hope you never stop being who you are.

2003-06-30T04:09:00.000-04:00

Sweet merciful crap!

I knew it was going to be difficult living with my aunt again after a year more or less sans the family drama, but I honestly don't know how I ever put up with living like this. It's been three days and I'm already having serious difficulty suppressing the urge to set the house on fire. Moreover, I don't have the foggiest idea how they can stand living the way they do.

She runs around never knowing what she's doing, taking ten thousand years to do a simple task, until 4 or so when she starts to drink and then begins delegating her responsibilities to anyone unfortunate enough to be within hollering distance. It's frickin' ridiculous! Why can't anyone in this family go a single day without drinking? And why can't they ever talk to me when they're sober? Gutless fuckers....

And so I'm just sick of everything. Suddenly the house is a mess, and the once simple action of eating dinner is now a laborious endeavour, involving finishing cooking the half-made meals of intoxicated fuckwits, hearing the same thing over and over because they're too out of it to remember what they've said, and taking three hours to finish dinner because nothing is ever done on time, and with every drink it moves further and further away. And who the hell are you to tell me how to eat? Guess what, I've been taking care of myself for ten years now, and doing a hell of a lot better at it than you are with yourself. Arggghh!

And don't even get me started on everyone talking about girls, which girls are checking me out, which of my so-called 'girlfriends' I'm going out with, trying to get me to pay attention to whichever girl you happen to like. Take a hint already damnit! I've never expressed any interest in girls, never had a girlfriend.....I'm comulsively clad in something rainbow, I'm constantly defending the right to gay equality, and for Christ's sake, I'm not exactly a macho man here....you do the math!

And the money! the money! Stop throwing it around like you're rich--you're not, and you can't afford to think you are! Stop wasting it on stupid things like re-painting the house yet again, and all that other crap. Stop promising to help me out with school, or to upgrade my computer, because I've heard it all a thousand times before, and you've never come through! Your promises mean nothing anymore. The only thing I can count on with you, is that you'll be half in the bag by early evening.

Surprisingly, there's still more. Originally, I was told that possibly one girl, his niece, would be coming to stay here to go to school. Now, as many as five may be coming! Anyone who's ever been to this house knows it's too small for the three people that are currently living here. Why couldn't they have waited until the end of summer when I was gone to do something like this? If I'd known, I never would have moved back from London.

Ugh, they're all so frustrating....why can't they just grow up?

2003-06-18T02:56:00.000-04:00

"You're always smiling, but underneath it looks like you're really sad, like you're about to cry."

I think it's the first time in a very long while that anyone has been able to see right through me, and I can't stop thinking about it. The way he casually by-passed years of defense mechanisms and masks goes a long long way in reaffirming the way I feel about him.

2003-06-18T02:48:00.000-04:00

Extreme boy confusion!

Last Friday I went to prom at Central, and brought Nick as my date. It was fun. I picked him up and we went to the park for pictures and out to dinner at the Beanery with Cynthia, Holly, and Heather.

When we finally got to prom about an hour late, we found out that Nick couldn't get in because Elisa, who signed him in, had to be there, and was still at Michael's with Sam and Co. So we sat around outside and talked to people as they arrived until Elisa showed up around nine.

The music this year was even crappier than last year, and the DJ only brought songs that were on the song list he got from Students' council, so we couldn't even make requests. Nick and I danced together, and no one said anything negative, so it was good times. I got alot of smiles and thumbs up from people too.

After prom ended, we were off to London for Laser Quest, where I kicked everyone's butts. Going home was scary though, because Sam, Desi, and Doug were racing through downtown London, doing about 120 down Wellington.

Sam dropped Nick and myself off at my house and we tried to watch Angels and Insects but started falling asleep and turned it off.

I kissed Nick during the night and he pushed me away, but the next day we were playfighting, and he kissed me. I don't know what's going on there. Maybe it's because it would have lead to more. In any case, there was still lots of hugging, and cuddling, and falling asleep next to him, which is the best feeling in the world. Even if we're only friends now, I'm really happy that he's in my life.

2003-05-21T02:04:00.000-04:00

I was in a restaurant, what one might expect to get when combining Sebastian's with Mongolian Grill. Sam, Rhino, and John were getting more food in the market-like portion, and I, fearing we'd been away from our table too long, returned to check on our belongings. The bill was waiting--I picked up a piece of paper with my name and was shocked at the outrageous number written, but soon realized it was a joke from people (whom I can't remember) at a neighbouring table. Though I don't recall how, the bill was paid, and we departed.

But finding our way out, we were suddenly in the school, and I directed a girl to an exit that would not be locked. Later, outside, that same girl asked to borrow my phone, and the gang and I made our way to where someone--Sam's parents I think--were to pick us up. It was difficult though, because cars were sliding everywhere on the pavement now covered in snow, and whoever was to get us was late.

Two elderly people on scooters passed. Out of nowhere, the first skidded out of control, spun around on the snow, and tipped over. The companion scooter pulled up beside it. The whole scene happened next to a snowbank in which a red car with a beat up left headlight was partially embedded. In a hurry to leave, the car's driver pushed us out of the way, moved to the overturned scooter and righted it. I moved in to help, straightening the blankets on the device that was now more a stretcher than a scooter, noticing that the elderly pair had transformed into two sickly, and most definitely crazy old men, typical of the kind you'd find in this town.

The owner of the red car went into a rant about stains on the blanket, how the old man had wet himself. The old man tried to return to his scooter, but slipped--for his legs were partially absent, or at least absent in function--and slid on his belly down the bank and to my feet. Fearing contact, I jumped back. The car owner went on, swearing, and attacking the old man's companion. The companion was sniffling and mad. He wore an aged yellow cardigan (a familiar item I've seen on Nick) and made a senseless reference to a knife.

I stepped up to pull back the owner of the car and then was frozen, unable to move. There was a knife in his left hand, fifteen centimetres long, 8 wide, slightly curved, silver, the metal at the cutting edge shinier than the rest. I couldn't see the handle. He talked, but not understandably, and I could feel the blade through my shirt against my chest. There was a touch of blood on my finger tips. A sound--like that of a coin falling on a ceramic floor--resonated in the air, and the knife dropped, or mabe the knife dropped before, making the sound. And as droplets of cold blood ran down my forehead I could feel somone's fingers on the back of my neck.

2003-04-05T00:55:00.000-05:00

Things were good.

I finished all my labs/quizes/tutorials for the year, leaving only finals. After April 28 at noon I'll be able to go home, a home sans the uncle, and everyone else for that matter. That's right, a house to myself for almost 2 full months. I can't wait.

Things were good.

I won patroller of the year for foot patrol, and had fun at the banquet with Aziel, and had a great night patrolling despite the freezing rain. I've discovered that I made more friends this year than I realized. And to top it all off, our OM was hot hot hot.

Things were good.

I went out to dinner with Lindsay and Kasia, and had Lindsay give the cute waiter my phone number. We went to Western Film to see the Two Towers and walked/slid home. The ice storm made everything sparkly and pretty, and turned the path on UC hill into a super happy fun slide.

Things were good.

There are plans already underway to go to prom at Central this June with Sam and John, and have all kinds of fun. I need only find a date.

Things were good.

And then what started as a friendly conversation with Nick turned into quite an argument. I think feelings were hurt on both sides. And everything's just icky again. Sometimes I just can't win.

2003-03-27T01:32:00.000-05:00

And so we'll start with my family this time. Here's the background for any new faces around here: Just over a year ago my mother kicked me out, and I moved in with my aunt, who has always been somethign of a second parent to me (my father of course being an arrogant, absent, fundie prick). My aunt and I lived in her house with someone she calls her 'partner,' but I won't even go into that one tonight, and we were all relatively happy (true happiness being a concept foreign to the cursed of my family). Now, my aunt's a teacher, and is also aboriginal. She decided she wanted to get away from the 'politics' at the school she taught at around here and travel up north to teach on a reserve for a year, which she's done a few times before. I was planning on staying in St. Thomas and commuting to university everday, however, when not one person in my family willing to help me had sufficient credit to help me co-sign for a loan, I had no choice but to move to London. This meant that the house would be left empty. My aunt decided that she would let her brother, my uncle, live in the house while we were gone to take care of it.

Now my uncle is about the biggest loser in the world. Considering that he's been living with his mother (my grandmother) for the past 15 years or so, and that he doesn't work, it should come as no surprise that he accepted the invitation. Essentially, he's getting a free ride for 8 months--the mortgage payments, phone/cable/internet/utility bills, and everything else pertaining to running a house are all paid for by my aunt. The only thing he has to pay for himself is his food (read: beer) which is also paid for by the 600 or so dollars he gets in welfare.

I should mention that my uncle hates me with a passion. I mean, if he had the brains to kill me and get away with it, he probably would. He's the kind of person who thinks the world should hand everythign to him on a silver platter, and when he doesn't get what he wants, he yells. For over a decade he lived with my grandmother, and yelled at my grandmother and got pretty much the same free ride from her. Moreover, he has a history of violence, including spousal abuse, death threats, and any number of other incidents. He's also the kind of drunk who never gets a hangover because they don't stop drinking long enough to sober up.

And so he hates me because I'm not the kind of person who will sit there idly while someone yells at me. In any normal circumstance, I operate under a tit-for-tat system for politeness, and a you-get-what-you-deserve system for respect. Given my tendencies, his quickness to anger, and also his belief in respect for one's eleders no matter what (something he looks beyond when dealing with his own mother, btw), when we're around each other, we often clash. I've been labelled by him as a disrespectful punk. Aside from his equally loser-esque daughter, however, most people simply laugh at his accusations because they know exactly how I am.

What this leads to, is a great deal of anger and I suspect jealousy towards me. He seriously feels I'm somehow out to get him. I'll be the first to admit that when the opportunity comes I'll do something small that I now will annoy him, like putting cokes in the fridge in front of his beer, but the idea that he occupies my thoughts an the average day is fairly arrogant on his part.

He's causing problems now with regards to the house. He doesn't like when I come home (even though it's my home, not his). The last time I was there he informed me that I wasn't to touch the computer, which belongs to my aunt, but has always been a more or less public machine. Also, he likes to try to set curfews, which is laughable not only because I'm 19, but also because I've never had one in my life. In any case, I usually just ignore him and do my own thing, which I'm quite used to at this point with prior family. But the last time it escalated, and he threw my backpack into the backyard. Needless to say, my aunt was in hysterics when she found out.

And now he seems to be starting an all-out war with me. He's changed the locks on the front and back doors to the house. This act is not only unethical and disrespectful, it's also quite illegal. He's also decided to make a few house rules, including curfews, his version of respect, etc.

Currently, it's not a problem. But I'm supposed to be moving home in just over a month once school ends, and then the shit will no doubt hit the fan. My aunt found out the news the other day and is absolutely fuming.

The solution seems easy enough: kick him out. But it gets more complicated for a few reasons. First, my aunt won't be back until late June, and since she's the only owner of the house, and since now neither my sister or I have working keys, everything's in kind of a grey area. Second, my aunt signed a lease with my uncle for a room as part of continuing his welfare payments, and so she can't technically kick him out. What she can do is have him evicted though, since changing the locks is a major no-no. Also, my uncle can't technically keep me out, because it is my house, but since I don't have a key I'd have to break a window to get in, and that could open a whole other can of worms.

Now combine all that with the threats of violence he's made towards me, and what the hell am I supposed to do?

Everyone is telling me not to go back until June when my aunt returns, for one reason or another, aside from my aunt who seems adamant on my going home. In fact, there's also alot of internal politics going one between everyone over me, which is nothing out of the ordinary, but unnecessarily frustrating none the less.

Alot of people seem to think my wanting to go back is about money, or my supposed vandetta against my uncle, or me not being able to turn away from a pissing contest. Well, if anyone of them had the slightest idea of what was going on in my head, or how shitty this year has been, they wouldn't be saying it. I've come close to killing myself more times this year than I can count, I've had disappointment after disappointment, boring, lonely day after boring, lonely day, and I've had my heart broken. I don't give a shit about my uncle or his games. I've got more than enough money to last several months. I need to be with my friends. I need to have one last great summer. Because if I don't, I might as well just give up right now. And if my family cared about anything other than their own games and politics, they'd be able to see that.

2003-03-19T00:19:00.000-05:00

Spring Cleaning

It's dirty, and hard, and, well, work. But there's something intoxicating, rejuvenating about it, is there not? The winter months are over, and the depression they bring is retreating to its yearly hibernation. We've made it through once again--with a few scars perhaps--but in one piece. And so it's time now to start fresh, make this year different, get rid of what we don't want, toss what we don't need, and cast away what holds us back. This summer everything will change.

Or so is my understanding, anyway.

Should it come as any surprise that shortly over a year ago my mother kicked me out? Or that at about the same time this year John's mother announced she was leaving? Or that in the past weeks Mila has all but cut off contact with me? Of course not, spring cleaning is infectious, it's all the rage.

So go ahead and clean, I dare you, but keep in mind that I, too, am skilled with a broom. And I'm adding another rule to my list: I'll not be a doormat anymore. Those of you who are friends only when it's conventient or beneficial can get the hell out. Everyone who's here for the long haul is getting promoted.

2003-03-18T00:23:00.000-05:00

And so I've done something incredibly stupid. I mean, I wasn't thinking at all with this one.

I sent him an email telling him how I feel.

So far I haven't talked to him, and I can't even guess what his reaction might be. Why can nothing ever just work out for me?

2003-03-03T03:23:00.000-05:00

It's 3am, and I can't sleep again. Am I destined to live forever in the hour of the wolf?

I couldn't sleep last night either, so I went out for a walk. I found a strange message at a phone booth. It was a photocopy of someone's handwriting telling me basically to repent before it was too late. Strangeness.

Later, I was going through a wooded area along the river and found a snowman on the running trail. I couldn't suppress the kid in me, and ran at it, leaped in the air, and hit both feet in it's head--damn me not weighing anything, because the snowman only rocked back and forth. After two more unsuccessful attempts at kicking, I tackled the bastard. That'll teach 'em! It felt so good to just let loose and act like a little kid again--I don't think I've done that since the last time I was in Pinafore.

On the Nick front, I have no clue what's happening. We were supposed to hang out today, but he cancelled. This is the fourth or fifth time he's done it in the last little while, and I got really pissed off.....well, that's the wrong word, hurt might be better. It's just so frustrating when someone you care so much for cancels your plans. But he was busy, and timing was bad, and we talked about it later today, so everythign's good. We're meeting tomorrow and a bunch of us are going to see Harry Potter (which is funny because in some ways Nick resembles Harry Potter).

He's changing I think. Lately he's been doing things to better himself, and get his life in order. It's good, and it just makes me want to be with him that much more, but he's made his position on that pretty clear, and I just don't know anymore...

In other news, me, Sam, John, and Harmony and her mother all went to a Pancake House Saturday morning. It was good times, and Harmony has a sweet ass house. The living room is sunk in, with high ceilings--I love high ceilings--and there's a big study connected to it with a very nice bar. Harmony's mother is one neat woman, to say the very least.

And if you haven't yet seen Chicago, you must go. Now! I went Friday with Sherisse and Mel, and it was way fun. I plan on buying a DVD player for no other reason than so I can buy Chicago on DVD when it comes out. It's one of the most dazzling, spectacular movies I've ever seen, and Catherine Zeta Jones will rock your world. She has an amazing voice, and one of the best parts that keeps going through my head is a close-up of her face, with bright red lipstick, and her saying 'Cicero', while blowing cigarette smoke. It's so cool.

Other than that, things are fairly normal with me. I have a bio midterm this Friday, and I'll probably be going home for the weekend for my sister's birthday.

2003-02-27T03:55:00.000-05:00

So it's reading week, and I haven't done much of anything so far. A movie here, dinner with vapid company there, a trip to the mall. Maybe it's just the hour of the wolf fast approaching, but I can't help but wonder if anything I do will ever matter.

I've never felt things the way other people feel them--I don't quite know how to explain. I've never missed people when they were gone, never cried at good-byes, never loved someone so much it hurt not to be near them. Out of sight, out of mind. My family has parted ways so many times it's hard to keep count. It started, perhaps, when my father left, but continued with stepfathers, my sister, aunts, uncles, grandmothers, friends in every possible way--moving, new jobs, divorce, fights, falling outs, make-ups, pettiness, and the list goes on.

I'm leaving, we have to move, I've taken a job up north, I can't live here anymore, her and I aren't speaking right now, I'll miss you, not a tear, I'm home, we made up, I have a new job, I'm starting a new life, I missed you, right back where we left off, no emotion, never pain.

And then it spreads.

And you create happiness, love, all in your head, so you can lose it, and take back your feelings, force out the tears, but secretly you know it's false.

But when you least expect it, it starts to get better, when an enemy starts to care for you, and for some reason you reciprocate. New experiences, fun, fortification of frendships, building something that lasts, trust, respect, affection, love, and it's real! And it opens new doors and closes others.

It sets a foundation for you to expand on.

And then there's a party, dancing, you watch, he stands out, a meeting, weeks, then a call, a movie, coffee, a walk, a gathering, music, more dancing, more watching, sitting, close, warmth, hand brushing against yours, heart racing, sweating, arm around shoulder, bliss, a hug good night, and there's no turning back now.

Forget the sandbags, these flood waters are going to flow.

Waiting, getting ready, he actually likes me, holding hands, doors open, at a table, music, first dance, some stare, it doesn't matter, heads together, what's happening, he kisses you,

Everything changes.

Movies, the wolf won't let you cook, frustration, solstice, everything's okay again, conversation with intimates, home, a movie, head on chest, you can hear his heartbeat, the comfort is unbearable, you hold back the words, morning, dishevelled hair, he still smells good, you watch him sleep, playfighting, you're happy.

The mall, ex-boyfriend, hurt, you want to hug him, so many people, the wolf is relentless, back to his place, why can't you comfort him, a movie, home,

It's over.

Too much, all at once, it burns, you cry, for real, it's never really gone, you can't do it again, not with someone else, it wouldn't be the same, not special, what now.

2003-02-02T23:49:00.000-05:00

Wow. so I've been depressed before....

But never like this.

If something doesn't change soon........i don't know.

2003-01-28T01:42:00.000-05:00

I must have done something terribly wrong in a past life, and the Universe has finally caught up with me.

2003-01-27T01:24:00.000-05:00

It would seem my insomnia has returned. Once again I'm spending the bulk of my nights awake and worrying about life. What to do, what to do....

My primary reason for wanting to leave is loneliness. Aside from a few acquaintances, I really haven't met any new friends here (aside from Nick, but even then I don't know). And the ones that I have met aren't really my kind of people to say the least. More and more it seems like things aren't the same with Sam anymore....for one thing she wasn't so lax in her use of the word fag before recently, and it's like she doesn't care as much about things as she used to, but then maybe she's just entering the same mindset everyone else seems to be going into. In any case, after next September, she'll be gone almost completely. We won't even be able to speak on the phone anymore because it will be long distance. Desi will be gone as well to who-knows-where, and John will likely be with the Caldwells. That leaves Cynthia, Steph, and a few others. But really, they're not friends in the sense of friend that I want.

So what to do?

Already this year the loneliness has almost killed me. There's nothing to do, no one to play with, and I sit here staring at walls wishing for better, all the while the depression grows larger and larger inside of me. I'm barely making it through this year--barring some miracle, there's no way in hell I could make it through next year without succumbing to the urge to just make it stop.

Add to that the growing likelihood that Nick will never want me as more than a friend, if that, and it seems fairly clear that I should make the move to Toronto.

Except.

That might not change anything. It might even make things worse. I may be no more successful in meeting new people in TO than I am here. And then what?

Moreover, I suspect Mila doesn't fully understand what she's getting herself into. Hell, we've never spent a full 24 hours together, let alone shared an apartment. Who's to say if she could handle living with someone who by all accounts should probably be on Paxil, and goes from opposite extremes of emotion in the blink of an eye. Could we share a small space, and still maintain our friendship? Or would there be a huge fight, and we'd go our separate ways?

But then there's that small part of me that thinks it could work out. Two friends living together, having new experiences together, learning new things together, meeting scores of new, interesting people, and having tons of fun.

And then, all things being cyclical, I wonder how I could possibly fair any better in TO when my problems are clearly within myself, and I'm right back where I started.

What to do, what to do...

2003-01-20T03:03:00.000-05:00

So, where to start...

For a few very brief moments I was happy, really happy. I had a boyfriend. And I was in love. I am in love. And it hurts. I want it to go away. But I want it to stay too. I don't even know anymore.

I've been through so many different, intense emotions lately I'm just kind of....numb, shell-shocked.

Looking back, it's like there were two Nicks. One was a sweet, passionate, courageous boy who loved dance, and Madonna, and wasn't afraid to be different, or be himself. He's special, and makes me feel special, and makes it seem like there's something worth getting up for in the morning. And he moves with confidence, and makes me laugh, and makes my heart beat faster whenever he's around, and I love him more than anything.

But then there's the other Nick. The one that stands me up, and only bothers to go out with me when there's no one better to go out with, and doesn't care about anyone but himself, and is immature, and fools around with other guys even though he was supposed to be my boyfriend, who fools around with me even though he's only pretending to be interested in a relationship, and he shatters my world, my dreams, my hope, and makes me want to throw myself into the Thames.

And yet I can't stop coming back to him, talking to him, taking anything I can get....because somewhere in there is my Nick, and I miss him so badly it makes me cry. Every thought tortures me because it's always him, the absence of him.

And I'm right back where I started, only worse, because now I know what I'm missing.

And I have to decide what I'm doing next year--stay here, or move to Toronto. It's exactly like last year, and I still can't decide. Because last year's decision was a mistake, because I stayed for Mike, and there was nothing there but my fantasy. But now it's not a fantasy. It's real. I'm sure it is.

So what to do? Leave and spend forever asking "what if?", or ending up just as unhappy as I am now...or stay, and maybe he'll come around, and I'll be happy again, or not, and I'll regret staying, because nothing will change, and my loneliness and sadness will slowly eat me from the inside.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I just want your arms around me again. Make me alive again. Please.