So again I'm asking the question.....why is it that I'm still single? Ask most people what they look for in a partner, and the answers are nearly always very similar: funny, intelligent, attractive. Let's throw modesty aside for a moment, and just admit I've got the first two down. So we're left with attractive--admittedly, I'm not a model, and my body is far from ideal...but I'm not freakish either. All things considered, I'd say I'm fairly average.

But the truth is, that list needs to be inverted, and attractive should be bolded and underlined with an exclamation mark. It's a reasonable conclusion--the typical gay man is shallow. Normally I hate stereotypes, but in this case I think it's warranted. Gay men are as superficial as their straight counterparts, probably even more-so. In short, we suck. It's no wonder half the world hates us.

Moreover, the qualities I embody well aren't sought out by most gay men--they're merely a stock answer given in an attempt to appear normal (or maybe it is normal, and it's just men that suck altogether). Few of us actually want a relationship. Just look at the cornerstones of modern gay culture--bars, pride parades--and you'll see that sex is the driving force behind everything, and an average appearance just doesn't cut it. But I'm proabably luckier for it anyway.

So I'm going to consider giving up for a while, and focus on more important things, like school and personal growth. And I'll take the time to consider the reasons why, for the first time ever, I'm wishing I weren't gay.

 
Tonight after my chemistry lab I decided to take the long way home and walk down UC hill to the gates and catch my bus in front of Christina's instead of at Nat Sci. And it got me thinking about how much I missed that walk, a walk I must have made at least a couple hundred times by now. Every Tuesday last year I'd have supper at Med-Syd with the Gibbons gang and then head to my chemistry lab or tutorial. After, I'd walk back home with Nicole and Michelle, usually laughing the whole way. I'd forgotten how nice the trees on UC hill smell, and how soothing it is to walk beneath their boughs with the moon overhead and a cool breeze in the evening air, how the squirrels criss-cross the sidewalk in front of you, how the Thames shimmers black and mysterious beneath you as you cross the bridge, how the residences line the street, the path in front of you. Amidst all the drama and depression of last year, I'd forgotten how much I love this place. I'd forgotten that this has become home.

I regret my absence in this journal over the last year. And I regret not recording the good times as well as the bad. There were countless nights when I went to Med-Syd for dinner, or to do homework, or just to hang out. I'm realizing now, as I walk campus and see familiar faces everywhere, just how many friends I made there. I should have wrote about the good times.

In other news, I've made, potentially, a new friend through faceparty. He seems very nice and interesting, and we plan to go rollerblading, but so far our schedules have been too busy and conflicting. Hopefully after thanksgiving we'll be able to get together.

 
And so, it must be kryptonite.

I ran into Mike the other night. I was having dinner with Steph before going to see Underworld. And it's just so bizarre, because I was thinking about him, and how silly my infatuation was, how embarrassing it is to look back on it, that I thought I loved him without even really knowing him. I knew he was living in London, going to college--quite a surprise, but a welcome one--then out of nowhere he's standing right in front of me. And the effect was immediate, as it's always been with him: absolute sickness. Not apolling sickness, but pains-in-my-stomach, I-want-to-throw-up, need-sleep-now kind of sickness. It's as if something or someone, maybe even me, is trying to keep me away from him.

But it makes no sense! I have no attachment to him, no involvement in his life, and save for hearing occasional mentions form Steph or Cynthia about what he's up to, no contact at all. And moreover, no reason or desire for contact--though, it should be said, no desire not to have contact. Indifference, I think, is what I'm trying to say, but not in a cold sense in the word.

So why then does the sickness still come when I see him? I don't desire him more than any other attractive--devastatingly attractive would perhaps be more appropriate--guy I see, and even if I did, he's not available. Surely enough time has passed for the infatuation to wear thin. And yet his powers over me remain. It disturbs me.

What's worse is seeing him seems to yet again have set off a hellish rollercoaster ride of loneliness. I'm seeing couples everywhere holding hands and having fun. Even last night a very cute looking gay couple were walking down Western Rd with their arms around each other. My dreams--the fact that I'm actually remembering dreams being unusual in itself--are filled with common characters in unusual circumstances that seem to rub in my face the pathetic display that is my romantic past. I've gone so far as to fill out an internet personal in an attempt to counteract recent happenings; how sad is that?

The sickness I can't explain, but this time I might have a reason for all the stuff that comes after.

Come close, kittens, I have a secret. Despite the ethics, and responsibility, and general good nature, I'm not a big peson. Or at least not when it comes to this.

Truth be told, I'm mad, and worried. Because I could deal with my failure with Mike, because he wasn't warm, or going anywhere, or anything special. That's what people told me, and at times I thought so myself.

But here's the kicker: none of that can be said anymore. He's clearly warm, driven, and special--he's stolen my dreams and is living them better than me. And I'm happy for him, really, but I hate him too, because it feels like I've been left behind.

It's crazy, I know, insane really, that this person whom I've probably spent less than 24 hours with can affect me so greatly.

And I don't understand any of it.

 
Yay for ego-boosters....

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The last few days have been a very refreshing break. Yesterday began with a trip to Wal-Mart, but on the way the Kernohan's van (the Kernovan) passed John and myself and about 30 seconds later Sean called. We ended up going to his Godball game in Springfield, where I had the wonderful experience of Schadenfreude when Joel was kicked out for arguing with the umpire and cried briefly. Midway through Amanda showed up and all of us went to her house after the game.

There was hanging out and clone high and cranberry wine and it was way good times. I'm definitely regretting not spending more time with Amanda during high school. Around midnight Amanda left for Jeff's grandparent's house, and shortly after Mike came over.

We discussed Sam, and Mike is very clueless--I don't know why he defends her, especially when she treats him so poorly. But that's another post in itself...

John and Mike left, so it was just me and Sean. We watched Buffy, and talked about things--he's a very cool guy now that I know him better, and I must admit I'm developing something of a crush on him. I left about 4:30, got home, ate pizza, and crashed.

Today I woke up and fell back asleep several times but ultimately didn't get out of bed until around 4. This evening I was off to London to see Terminator 3 with Steph, Joe, and Amanda (Joe's Amanda). It was a glorious movie, littered with more carnage than one could ever ask for. And even though there were only a couple dozen words spoken in the entire movie, the effects were spectacular.

All in all, the last few days have been really fun, and a much needed break from the unwanted drama in my life.

 
Taking stock of my friends

That's right, it's time for a review. Think I'm cold for doing it? Deal with it, baby!

Note: This is my journal, and I'm writing as such. If you're planning on being offended, please read no further.

Cynthia, you've been terrific: loyal, sincere, caring....what more could one ask for in a friend? I thank you for being on time, always there, and tons of fun. Never change, and never settle for less than what you want.

Lyndsay, we'll start with the bad...you need to stop letting guys walk all over you, and get rid of that scumbag Tim. You definitely need to re-evaluate your moral and ethical standards. You're a smart, dedicated student, and you're definitely going places. Thank you for making first year fun, and hang in there!

John, knock off the gossiping, and learn to smile. If you have a problem with someone, have the chutzpah to tell them straight out. Your sense of humour is wonderful, your view of life refreshing, and your intellect among the best. Focus more on the positive things in life, and you'll be fine.

Michael, you need to stick up for yourself every now and then, and learn to tell when a joke stops being funny and starts being hurtful. Although I know you mean no harm, some of the things you say cross the line. Thank you for your kindness, your integrity, your accepting nature, and willingness to have a good time. And yes Michael, I would go out with you if you were gay.

Sam, learn to be on time, and in some cases, show up. Pay more attention to your words and actions, especially with respect to your friends, because you are often very instulting. Your refusal to grow up is a shining beacon to us all. Thank you for your naivity, your laughs, your wit, and your friendship. You'll always be my favourite husband.

Baillie, write down my number so you don't forget it! And stop falling asleep everytime you invite me over. No one makes me laugh quite like you, and there's no one better to shop with. Thanks for being you, no matter what anyone thinks.

Nick, your fickleness, and absent-mindedness are more frustrating than you can imagine. Think before you act, and focus on the big picture. You give me hope that not all gay men are shallow automatons. Thank you for my first kiss, your caring nature, your courage, and for bringing me more happiness than anyone ever has.

Mel, you're more bitter and sarcastic than even me. Thank you for being my role model :)

Steph, remember that not all of us live in computer world, and come out to say hello once in a while. Take it easy with the judging every now and then. Thanks for lots of fun times, and many more to come.

Mila, try harder to keep contact between us, and recognize that the real world exists, whether you like it or not. Your incite, your art, and your friendship continue to touch me. Thank you for being there, criticizing when I need it, accepting me, and making me try new things.

Desi, make an attempt to call when you say you will, and try your hand at commitment in relationships. Thank you for being sweet, caring, courageous, and willing to go that extra mile. I hope you never stop being who you are.

 
Sweet merciful crap!

I knew it was going to be difficult living with my aunt again after a year more or less sans the family drama, but I honestly don't know how I ever put up with living like this. It's been three days and I'm already having serious difficulty suppressing the urge to set the house on fire. Moreover, I don't have the foggiest idea how they can stand living the way they do.

She runs around never knowing what she's doing, taking ten thousand years to do a simple task, until 4 or so when she starts to drink and then begins delegating her responsibilities to anyone unfortunate enough to be within hollering distance. It's frickin' ridiculous! Why can't anyone in this family go a single day without drinking? And why can't they ever talk to me when they're sober? Gutless fuckers....

And so I'm just sick of everything. Suddenly the house is a mess, and the once simple action of eating dinner is now a laborious endeavour, involving finishing cooking the half-made meals of intoxicated fuckwits, hearing the same thing over and over because they're too out of it to remember what they've said, and taking three hours to finish dinner because nothing is ever done on time, and with every drink it moves further and further away. And who the hell are you to tell me how to eat? Guess what, I've been taking care of myself for ten years now, and doing a hell of a lot better at it than you are with yourself. Arggghh!

And don't even get me started on everyone talking about girls, which girls are checking me out, which of my so-called 'girlfriends' I'm going out with, trying to get me to pay attention to whichever girl you happen to like. Take a hint already damnit! I've never expressed any interest in girls, never had a girlfriend.....I'm comulsively clad in something rainbow, I'm constantly defending the right to gay equality, and for Christ's sake, I'm not exactly a macho man here....you do the math!

And the money! the money! Stop throwing it around like you're rich--you're not, and you can't afford to think you are! Stop wasting it on stupid things like re-painting the house yet again, and all that other crap. Stop promising to help me out with school, or to upgrade my computer, because I've heard it all a thousand times before, and you've never come through! Your promises mean nothing anymore. The only thing I can count on with you, is that you'll be half in the bag by early evening.

Surprisingly, there's still more. Originally, I was told that possibly one girl, his niece, would be coming to stay here to go to school. Now, as many as five may be coming! Anyone who's ever been to this house knows it's too small for the three people that are currently living here. Why couldn't they have waited until the end of summer when I was gone to do something like this? If I'd known, I never would have moved back from London.

Ugh, they're all so frustrating....why can't they just grow up?

 
"You're always smiling, but underneath it looks like you're really sad, like you're about to cry."

I think it's the first time in a very long while that anyone has been able to see right through me, and I can't stop thinking about it. The way he casually by-passed years of defense mechanisms and masks goes a long long way in reaffirming the way I feel about him.

 
Extreme boy confusion!

Last Friday I went to prom at Central, and brought Nick as my date. It was fun. I picked him up and we went to the park for pictures and out to dinner at the Beanery with Cynthia, Holly, and Heather.

When we finally got to prom about an hour late, we found out that Nick couldn't get in because Elisa, who signed him in, had to be there, and was still at Michael's with Sam and Co. So we sat around outside and talked to people as they arrived until Elisa showed up around nine.

The music this year was even crappier than last year, and the DJ only brought songs that were on the song list he got from Students' council, so we couldn't even make requests. Nick and I danced together, and no one said anything negative, so it was good times. I got alot of smiles and thumbs up from people too.

After prom ended, we were off to London for Laser Quest, where I kicked everyone's butts. Going home was scary though, because Sam, Desi, and Doug were racing through downtown London, doing about 120 down Wellington.

Sam dropped Nick and myself off at my house and we tried to watch Angels and Insects but started falling asleep and turned it off.

I kissed Nick during the night and he pushed me away, but the next day we were playfighting, and he kissed me. I don't know what's going on there. Maybe it's because it would have lead to more. In any case, there was still lots of hugging, and cuddling, and falling asleep next to him, which is the best feeling in the world. Even if we're only friends now, I'm really happy that he's in my life.